The Last

At the end of my interview with Sp9rk1e, right at the outset of his debut Overwatch League season, I say thank you for taking the time.

“Wait,” Sp9rk1e says. “Bonnie?”

“Yes?” I say.

“I recognize you from Twitter, from back when I was in Element Mystic,” he says. “Thank you for supporting me all these years.”

“Oh,” I say, taken aback. “You’re welcome.”

***

This is our world. We made it all on our own.

Esports isn’t actually that important, so is loving it just an endless loop of self-legitimizing? We love it because it matters to us, and it matters to us because we love it. Ad infinitum.

One team wins and another team loses; the winning team embraces fiercely, coalescing like a cluster of little stars, and it feels like the universe has narrowed to a single point, like there is nothing more important than this. The losing team takes their things and leaves.

***

Five years can disappear in a blink. Sometimes you don't recognize the time gone by until it's looking right back at you.

Tears come to Faker's eyes as he realizes that his hands are still capable of constructing miracles. Fearless reaches the mountaintop that he once could only dream of and cries at the view. Then the years rush back all at once and you think with a shiver, oh, that magic again.

***

I meet Sp9rk1e for the first time in Toronto. He is polite and a little nervous, just coming off his team’s Summer Showdown victory. I introduce myself to him.

“Ah, Bonnie!” he says. “It’s nice to meet you again.”

“Oh, we actually haven’t met in person before,” I say.

“No?” he says, a little incredulous.

“No,” I say, and we pose for a photo.

***

Finals are heartbreaking and exhilarating because they are finals, they are the last, they are the end. The end of what? The answer is different for different people.

The Worlds 2022 finals begin. People tell you the stakes for every one of the players onstage. One in particular stands out to you. This might be his last chance, they say. They say this about two players, one on each team.

The years are weighing heavy on their shoulders. You can feel this even though you weren’t around to see them. You tell yourself you don’t really care, but when game 5 begins, you find that you care. It’s the end for everyone.

One team wins. The other team leaves.

***

I was 19 the first time I came to Los Angeles by myself. What did I know when I was 19? What did I think the shape of my life would be?

Sp9rk1e was 15 years old the first time I saw his face, the first time I heard his wicked laugh, the first time I saw him play and felt history taking root. Now, five years later, I am 23 and he is a world champion, crowned in Los Angeles. When he is 23 I’m not sure what I will be.